Please stay, until I'm gone

“God, how were you ever anything more than a stupid bitch to me?” I screamed, tearing through my bedroom, looking for all of her belongings.
“You’re the one that’s freaking out.”
“You’re the one that broke my heart!”
“Lift up your shirt, the wound isn’t there.”
“Yeah, quote Bright Eyes, that’s all you ever do.”



Random, I know, but I figured I should post something on here. Haha. It's for my AP English class. :D

I always forget I have this thing.

It's kinda annoying. Haha.
I rarely post, but I just keep it to comment and stuff.

Hmmmm I'm tired.
And this is pointless. :]

Alright, so I have 3 books to read over spring break. I know, I know, when people party I read. How lame am I?
Whatever. Haha. I'm reading Slaughterhouse Five for school, and The Sweet Far Thing, and Perks of Being a Wallflower just for fun. :)

Buuuuut I don't remember what happened in A Great and Terrible Beauty and Rebel Angels.... I'ma have to look that up before I read The Sweet Far Thing.
I'm gonna love it though. :) Because I loved the last two. That I remember. Heh.

Ummm.

Hi! :] Hope everyone's having a good spring?

.....that sounded more retarded out loud than in my head.

Kay, I'ma go watch Weeds. and maybe read. Byee

Just got home from swimming. We did alright. Our team is too small for our league. =/ I'm gonna go shower now, so that I can smell a little less like chlorine. :]

Oh, I saw this movie called Sunshine Cleaning last Saturday, and it was really good. Kinda weird, but awesome. I just felt like it needed more of an ending. If anyone gets the chance to see it, they totally should.

I just got accepted into my first choice college! Wow. Can't breathe. Hahaha. Ummm WOO! *does a little dance*

like we've forgotten how to swim...


I'm sad. And lost. And I know why but I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I need to focus on something to distract me and make me not implode or explode or something, but nothing seems to work. My usual distractions aren't being distracting. I'm scared. I need you. I feel like I'm losing you and you say that I'm not, but I don't know how something I feel can be wrong. I miss you. I hope we can get things back to how they used to be.




Take a seat, and catch your breath, you're only working towards your death.
For as the days go by, they go by oh so slow..

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an amazing procrastinator. But that's only sometimes. Mainly because I work better under pressure, and I enjoy not worrying about stuff until the very last minute. Also, I now have Under Pressure! stuck in my head. Yay.
Black Boy is a good read. It's kind of depressing and incredibly disturbing, but it's easy to read, and it's sort of fun to analyze sometimes. I like AP English because it's more than just sitting in class being lectured. It's actually participating and debating about things.
However, if I never hear anything else about Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment I will die a happy woman. I did not like that book at all.
Mmmm I should probably be working. This just adds on to my procrastination.

Oh, and I know that probably nobody ever reads this, but in case anybody does, has anybody read The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood? Because I started it, and I haven't had time to read it, and I kinda want to know if it's worth the read. So hit me up.

Okay, analysis on Black Boy and then AP Calc homework, here I come....

After I watch an episode of Criminal Minds.....

No. No. Okay, analysis, then Criminal Minds, then AP Calc.
Okay, that works.
Haha. I'm done rambling and talking to myself. *waves* Byee.

Just because it made me smile and procrastinate and maybe wake up a little.


ETA: I should really try to write my analysis of the first chapter of Black Boy, and so staring into space should be brought down to a minimum pretty soon.

*waves* G'night.

Sooo swimming started again. I missed it. Sometimes it's complete and total hell, and I think I'm crazy for ever wanting to do a sport that works muscles I never knew I had as well as completely destroys my shoulders, but then coach tells us to swim a 500, and everything pretty much disappears. I don't think I've ever found anything that can help me turn off my brain, or just relax and calm down more than swimming does. Just, when you get in your groove, or just in that one state of mind where you could swim sixty laps and not even notice, that is heaven right there. I guess I'm a little crazy for enjoying the long distance swimming. Haha, but whatever.
I get a sweet tan, in shape, AND it helps me sleep because by the time I get home, I'm exhausted.

Like today, I took an almost 4 hour nap.

:)


I'm content. I've got intense senioritis, and I'm so sick of AP Calculus at 7 in the morning that it's not even funny.

Just one more semester. :D

It's laaaaaaate. Crap. I should try to sleep now. :] Byee.

Today, I don't even know what to do with my life. I don't know what I want. I feel like there's more out there. As if college isn't what I need at the moment. You're what I need at the moment, and I hope that never changes. I hope I need you forever. Because I feel like I'll never love anybody the way I love you. And I like that. I just hate the point at which we're at in our lives. I hate this timing. I hate having to go to college, having to make something of myself, because it impedes me from making something with us. I want to just get up and leave. I want to go back to Mexico. To the beautiful beaches of Mexico. I want to travel the world. I'd like to see Australia, and Brazil, and Rio de Janeiro and Spain and Hawaii and fucking a small tiny island in the middle of the ocean with no civilization around. Maybe I just don't want to go to college because everything that people look forward to in college, I don't want. I don't want to have tons of sex with random people. I don't want to smoke and drink until my lungs and liver are nothing but mush. I like my life. I like my friends(some of them). And I think if I go to college, I'll lose them, the couple good friends that I have and that I trust, I'll lose them. I don't want that.
I think I just need to figure out what to do. and I think I still have time for that.

In the meantime, at least college apps are almost done. I've only got Stanford left, which isn't due till January, so thank god.

*lies down and wraps self in blanket* I'm mentally exhausted.

I'm only posting because my baby is reading. :] And she's dropping cookies on her floor and now there will be ants in her room. :P Dork.
Te amo.

Life's been going good. I have senioritis. And the year isn't even halfway through.

Question, who has a private jet and wants to take me to Brazil?
Anyone?
No?
:(
Shucks.

I'm coooold.
Need warmth!

Like you haven't done enough. Go awayyyyyy. I'm happy! Leave me the heck alone. Yes, you were my first almost love thing before you fucked everything up, and yes, there will probably always be something, no matter how bad I wish there wasn't, but you are a hoe. Straight up, a lying, cheating, slut. So leave me the heck alone. Because I'm not going back to you, and all you want is to be wanted and I refuse to do that. I don't want you. I want someone better than you on so many levels. So ridiculously amazing and loving and caring and just fucking perfect for me. So please, just leave me alone. I'm sick of your stupid mind games, and if this is another thing you're trying to play, I'm not in this game. Or any other you might come up with for that matter. Unless it's "Lets see who can fly a jet to Brazil faster." Then I'm in. And you will lose.
Seriously, just go away.

Roar!!




On the flip side, I had the most amazing night with my girl both tonight and Tuesday night. She's beautiful and amazing. I can't even begin to explain how much I love her. She's my world. I just wish she wasn't a world away.
Nothing can bring me down today. :] Not even that dumb dumb hoe.


"You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together"
I love you.

Showers so hot they leave you red and burning are sometimes everything you need.

About to go out and skate until I have blisters the size of quarters on my feet.



ETA: Running so hard you feel like your lungs are on fire and your ears are about to explode is also an adequate substitute for skating till you have blisters on your feet.

It's like almost two in the morning.
My head hurts.
I don't want summer to end.
I wish I didn't have to call my boss to check my schedule and actually work.
A week of vacation makes me lazy.
Umm, A Great and Terrible Beauty and Rebel Angels were fucking bomb. I need The Sweet Far Thing. I think that's what it's called. I dunno. All I know is that I need it. Yep.
My headache is going away but now I just maybe fell against my headboard and now my back is hurting.
Fucking shit.

I wish I could just make myself sleep. Life would be SO much easier.

I got new shoes while on vacation.
Vans.
Two pairs.
They're both gray, but one's are checkered slip ons, and the others are lace up skater shoes.
I love em.

I got a new bag. and a jacket. And shorts and a tank-top.

I also bought rock band.

What? It's my money! I'll do with it whatever I want.
Hmph. That's why I work isn't it? To make money to spend?
On payday my boss asked me what I was going to do with my money.
I told him buy videogames and clothes.
:D

Anyone wanna gimme a speed recap or Crime and Punishment for my AP English class next year?
No?
Shucks.


I wish I lived closer to the ocean. It's ridiculous how much it calms me. How at peace I am when I'm near it. How I can still feel the gentle rocking motion even in my sleep. My mom asked me what the first thing I would do when I got my papers would be. I'm sure she expected something like "get my license," but in truth, I'd fly out to my family in Mexico. To the beautiful beaches with their warm ocean and perfect sand. I miss it. But I guess I'll take the next best thing, California.
I want to move to Santa Cruz like, now. Seriously.

Hmm. Not being able to turn off my brain at night is sometimes a good thing. I definitely just had a vision of me flying, sorta like Superman, over the world. I could almost feel the cold air whizzing past me. That'd be so amazing. I can just imagine how the whole world would look. All the lights everywhere and whatnot.
I wish I could fly.


Oooookay, I guess I'll try to go to sleep now. =/

Oh, and I've been maybe sorta obsessed with the song "Gotta Find You" From Camp Rock by Joe Jonas.
Is that bad?
I really liked the movie too. Haha.
Why aren't people as obsessed with it as they were with HSM? It's so much better. Stupid people.
Okay, sleep time.
Peace!


Oh, and like a week ago I had a dream that I married one of my best friends, Caroline.
Our reception was like a prom, and everyone from school was there.
I was wearing a backpack the whole dream.
One of our friends didn't like us being together, and Caroline got mad at her. :] Haha.
It was weird. Especially considering I would never wear a backpack at my wedding. Hahahaha. Or invite my whole school to it for that matter. Ew.
My subconscious is psycho. End of story. G'night.

The past is only the future with the lights on....

Had a weird dream last night. Well, like three.
First I was at some party/photoshoot thing with all of my friends and some people from school that I don't like. I kept getting everything wrong. I couldn't do my makeup and the mirrors were all scratched out and I guess I had forgotten a dress or something. I don't even know. I just couldn't get or say anything right.

Then I was at my fiends house and I was skateboarding all around their house. I later discovered their empty backyard pool and I felt like I was in heaven. I was somehow a skateboarding god all of a sudden. Whatever. It was sweet.

Then later I don't really remember what happened, but I was with my ex, Kristina, just talking but more I guess. I felt older. Like, in college or something. I just felt older and wiser and different. She had to go, I think to class or something, so I leaned in and gave her a hug. But it was weird. It was a hug like she used to give me when we were together. A hug where you don't want to let go. So I just stayed in the hug and then I turned my face into her neck and just kept it there I guess. Resting my nose and lips and just face in her neck. She started running her hands across my back, and down it, leading towards my butt and I pushed her away. I said "No. You have a girlfriend." and I shook my head and walked away.

My brain and subconscious hate me.
Seriously.
Whatevs.

I just saw Kung Fu Panda. It was really good. :]

Livejournal still makes me feel retarded. Now I remember why I never posted on this damn thing. Because I can't get it to look the way I want.

Haven't posted in like forever. don't really have much to say. I'm sunburnt and peeling from warped tour. Girls confuse the fuck out of me. Umm. I miss her. Just as a friend. I miss you. I'm sorry I hurt you. Never meant to do that. Never wanted anything but the best for you. Please believe that. It breaks my heart that you think that I never cared about you. That I just left you heartbroken and went to play "girlfriend" with some other girl. I really cared about you. And even though you won't read this and even if you did you wouldn't believe it, you meant the world to me. You were everything for those couple of months, but I just couldn't do it. It's not that I was giving up. Okay, that's a lie. I was. I did. I couldn't do it anymore. Can't be with someone who's across the country. I just can't. It was too hard and I gave up. On you. On us. And I'm sorry. I leave a message every time I call. I wonder if you ever listen to them. If you have ever read any of the texts that I've sent. I'm just worried about you okay. If you read this. Just give me some sort of sign or just message me saying "fuck off" or anything just telling me that you're okay. Please.

Okay, now that that's out. I love summer more than anything. Today I went out on Alex(longboard) and I was just skating around for like two hours. Not going anywhere. Not needing to do anything. Just skating. I think my favorite thing to do is go down the hills on the creek trail and watch the little girls on their bikes look at me with awe. Thinking "Woah. Girl on skateboard" :] I always smile at them. So cute. One day, a couple months ago I was skating to Barnes N Noble to get The Host (Soooooo good!) and I was waiting for the crosswalk when this little old lady comes up to me and says "That's a long skateboard!" I nodded politely and said yeah and she continued talking. Telling me how it's not common to see girls riding skateboards. Just then the crosswalk turned green and I turn to her and say "Guess I'm not common eh?" and I skate away. Haha.

I wish I had a job. Wish I could actually get a job. Or a license. Or at least my flippin' permit. The U.S. government hates me.

I'ma go to bed. Peace.

holy crap
i love kristen bell
and heroes
and kristen bell on heroes is the most amazing thing ever
:D

Wow, i had three tests today. I feel like I'm about to pass out from exhaustion. brutal fucking day.
Je suis toute raplapla!
Last night i couldn't fall asleep because my downstairs neighbors were snoring too loud. Seriously? we need some thicker walls in these damn apartments.
whatever
yay! it's almost friday!
and then three day weekend
and then almost thanksgiving
and christmas
and sleeeeeeep

ooooooo
and thennnnnn
south of nowhere in February
and i can't think of anything else
that could be more important than south of nowhere. :] i actually managed to put a quote from them into an english essay i had to write about healthy relationships. it was sweet.
okay, done with this nonsense. going to go dance or sleep or read
or all of the above. [not at the same time]
:]